Before I stayed at the Howard Johnson Inn at the Orlando International Airport Mall my only experience with the Howard Johnson name came from that one episode of Mad Men. It painted HoJo as a fun, family-friendly hotel where you could work out problems like your relationship with your mother and burning desire for infidelity over ice cream sundaes with the kids.

Much like Mad Men, this hotel was at its peak in the mid-60s.

Before my stay I upgraded my from a standard bed to king size. I didn’t realize this upgrade also came with one of the best ground-level views of the HoJo parking lot in all of Orlando.

Great vantage point for parking lot views and lookout for potential intruders.

Even though the room claimed it was non-smoking it clearly smelled like cigarettes, which gave me warm memories of my dad.

The following is not hyperbole – the quality of the room can compete with any of the top minimum-security prisons in America. Aesthetically, the designer did a wonderful job of blending an earthy palette of brown, tan, light brown and burnt umber. The Bob’s Furniture-quality nightstands are drilled into the ground for obvious reasons. The room has no art on the walls which is great for all the imaginative thinkers out there, as it allows you to dream up your own.

The hotel also has free wi-fi. The network was “guest” and the password was “guest” so I knew off the bat they took internet security very seriously and felt great about turning over my credit card info.

The power button on the television remote was broken and I had to get up to turn the TV on and off. It was a clever bit of social commentary about how easy we have it compared to past generations and I respect the creative decision by HoJo management.

A common complaint on Trip Advisor seems to be issues with housekeeping. Trust me, you will find no such problems here. HoJo empowers its employees to make their own decisions. One example: When I went to take a shower there was a bar of soap leftover from the last guest. Some housekeepers would toss out everything from the previous group, but HoJo cleans with the motto ‘waste not, want not’.

Small, circular burn mark removed from chair in my non-smoking room.

Did the soap have several pubic hairs on it? Yes. I would obviously complain if I bought soap with pubes on it, but this was free soap. If someone gave you free ice cream, would you complain over a few pubes in the sprinkles?

The hotel is conveniently located next to a pawn shop that specializes in buy, lease and sell options, making it extremely easy to pick up souvenirs during your time in The City Beautiful.

Inside tip: the lobby is locked when it gets dark, but if you need anything there is a 24-hour teller window around the corner, complete with bullet-proof glass. I’m sure they also cash checks, but I didn’t ask.

The algorithm for my review:

• +1 star: free pube soap
• -1 star: Night stand bible had blue cover (I am old-school and prefer the classic maroon)
• +5 stars: I’m still alive
• -6 stars: The vending machine has one ‘Gatorade’ button, and instead of blue or red it gives you Cascade Frost, which is one of the most offensive things that’s ever happened to me. That’s like ordering a Coke and having the waiter say “Is Cascade Frost OK?” If sports drinks were t-shirts Cascade Frost would be the Buffalo Bills Super Bowl Champions shirts from the early 90’s … just no reason to exist
• -1 star: No shampoo
• +2 stars: Surprisingly large amount of hand towels
• -2 stars: In-room safe not large enough to double as panic room
• +1 star: Front desk actually phenomenally friendly
• +3 stars: FOX was in Spanish, making Two Broke Girls watchable

Total: 1 star (don’t do the math on this)

All-in-all this is a great hotel for families and business travelers, provided your family is comprised of prostitutes and your business is prostitution.